as the time passes her emotions dive deeper and this is her diary
When she found you, she felt everything all at once.
Heart beats fast. Can’t swallow. Mind racing. She chokes. She explodes. Her hands shake. She can’t focus. Chest is tight.
And then nothing.
You grab her and hold her tight. She feels everything, and then nothing. She is home in your arms. A safe habour.
How is it that she can feel so utterly confused. As if this was her first time.
When she met you, she became paralyzed. She saw something in those first few moments she knew she shouldn’t live without and it paralyzed her with fear. Her heart was in her throat beating so fast she couldn’t swallow. She couldn’t think too long about you, the thoughts pounded in her brain.
She saw stars and felt flames.
She woke early because she preferred the silence.
She sat alone.
Only the sound of the raindrops joined her.
The warmth of her coffee kept her company.
In those moments, she felt whole.
She clenched it’s faded torn edges in her fingers. Stared until every detail was permanently burned into her mind. It felt like the photo had been taken one hundred years before, but the memory of his touch still lingered on her skin.
She couldn’t breathe. Her heart remained broken. Her love held strong without direction. He was gone. All she had left was this old photo she buried deep in her back pocket.
He was gone but she carried him with her. Always.
She let them fall like a spring rain.
She let them wash away.
She let them wash away every tiny thing she felt.
She didn’t touch them, she just let them silently drop.
Roll down one cheek, then two.
She let the fist in her chest unclentch.
Release.
As each tear fell.
Until there was nothing left for her to feel but pure.
She always felt like there was a piece missing. Sometimes if she focuses hard enough she can feel the reminisce of that connection. The hole within her.
The connection that once bound her soul to another.
She lies, eyes shut, before sleep comes sending a beam of light from within her up into the universe. In hopes that her soulmate is staring at the night sky just at that moment. He will see her radiant light and be overcome with a sense of clarity and purpose. He will find himself propelled toward her light like a beacon. He will feel she is exactly what he’s been unknowingly searching for his entire life.
She knows that once she is reunited with him they will lock eyes and suddenly nothing else will matter. The holes they once knew will be filled with a rose glow of light connecting them, the loss they never understood will be replaced with joy.
One day she will know no greater joy then to lie with her soulmate once more.
She laughed easily
Wide smiles, tiny smirks
In joy
In nervousness
Roaring thunder rattling belly laughs
Breathy silent shaking weezing laughs
She laughed freely
Her favorite thing
To laugh
She never once considered herself perfect in a traditional sense. She learned at a very young age that her mistakes were just the building blocks she required to follow her destined path.
It didn’t matter if she found herself falling, failing or filled with sorrow. She never let those fear laden feelings in for long. You may wonder why she always called herself yellow, well this is the exact reason.
She made it her souls mission to leave each person she met with a piece of her. Touch them with her light, leave them with her fire.
She knew she was built up of many flaws, but she stitched them together with entirely beautiful intentions.
There is one place she truly felt at home. It wasn’t a building with four walls and a roof. It was the place where the sun kissed her skin and the wind licked her hair.
It’s never any one place, it’s every single place.
Salt or brine could fill the air, or it could smell clean and pure. She could feel at home there with a hundred people, or standing alone with the birds as her only company. Lying still, concentrating solely on the waves crashing against the land. Envisioning the light penetrating each and every cell, clarifying all of life’s great mysteries.
When she finds her self far from home, she dreams about her toes sweeping and wiggling in the dry sand crystals. She fantasizes about her fingers dipping and drawing along the smooth glass like surface. She could never really put into words why it wasn’t a place or a person who made her feel like she was home. She found herself drawn to the water, like a magnet pulling very ounce within her back to it’s rightful place.
Maybe it was the constellation she was born under, but she could never explain why her home was the water.
There is a chance she loves to get her hands dirty. If it provides beauty or bounty to her life you may find her in the garden.
She always proudly declared she could only keep pets and children alive because they could tell her when they needed something. Plants on the other hand sit quietly and patiently waiting for one to slow down and look around at their surroundings.
It wasn’t until she decided to awaken her soul, and be truly present in her life that she really saw a plant as something that needed her. And something that she needed in return.
yellowtwentyfive 